(Disclaimer: this is meant to amuse, so don’t lose your cool, defuse!)
Babywearing Weary Back- lower back and/or shoulder pain inflicted by wearing baby. Can be exacerbated by vacuuming whole house while wearing said baby. Remedies involve elaborate favor trade-in system and/or blackmailing of child rearing partner (ie you hold baby while I shower and I may let you keep your eyebrows)
Co-Sleeping Shoulder Crick- stiffness of the upper body particularly the shoulder and neck region (may effect elbow). Often sustained due to sleeping in perfectly arranged position in which baby is (finally) asleep and you are comatose from exhaustion. Overcome via bait and switch strategy, aka employing daddy decoy device.
Hunchback of Nursing Dames- common new mom injury resulting from lowering your head and staring intently at your baby to make sure s/he is nursing correctly. Variations include the Bottle Prop Back Pop (ouch!) If you are unable to look away from baby despite sustaining repeated injuries simply set up video camera to tape your feeding sessions. Review in spare time (spare time is defined as interval of time typically no greater than four minutes between naps/feedings/diaper changes)
MIL Mouth- symptoms include dry mouth and sore tongue. Root cause- constant defending of your parenting decisions to your MIL (and your mother, grandmother, next door neighbor, bossy lady in the elevator, etc.) Effectively cured with Crummy Ear Drum.
Crummy Ear Drum- injury sustained from banshee like screams emanating from baby for no apparent reason. Particularly challenging when injury occurs in only one ear. To remedy place headphone in non-injured ear and blast music into it loudly. You are now deaf and can truly benefit from all of the baby sign language you have been diligently teaching your baby.
Teeny-Tiny-Toothless-Terror-a-Phobia- fear of your baby. Root causes include baby pinching you (then pointing and laughing, no seriously what is the deal with that?), baby bursting into tears at the sight of you (particularly common with daddies and/or other secondary caregivers) and many more real or imagined scenarios in which baby seems to be deliberately mocking or secretly judging you (see example below) despite his or her inability to speak (or hold own head up). Seek professional assistance.