This is it ladies and gentleman, the ultimate guide to finding the perfect apartment for you in the City, where you not only leave your heart but a sizable portion (read:majority) of your paycheck.
First a quick tip, when looking at a post for an apartment keep in mind that the number of bedrooms matter not at all. You must ask for the square footage or you will be enjoying a three bedroom apartment where two of the bedrooms are walk in closets off the original master bedroom.
Second and most important, how to handle an open house. When the post says 12:15-12:30 think Black Friday at WalMart and dress accordingly as the broker is not responsible for injuries. I cannot stress this enough, you must BE PREPARED. Bring a copy of your credit score and a recent pay stub. If you are really serious about getting the apartment just tell the property manager that you will instead deposit your next paycheck directly into their account.
Third, if you have an 80lb Labrador Retriever and are unwilling to hide her (because you are an amateur) you must bring a curriculum vitae for her. It should include shot records, obedience school ranking, level of competence in foreign language and a letter of recommendation which clearly states that your dog only poops fairy dust and barks Italian operettas.
And now here are some helpful definitions:
Landscaped backyard- square of concrete approximately 2×4 feet shared with seven other units.
Dedicated parking spot- choose between the following:
- a) a parking lot six blocks away
- b) tandem parking with your neighbor
- c) a dedicated college student who will refill your meter when it runs out
Charming- Tiny. Synonyms include cozy, snug and vague statements such as ‘the larger of the bedrooms has plenty of room’.
Modern- built after 1932.
With city views- from the fire escape located on the other side of the building.
Eat in kitchen- totally you can eat in the kitchen, standing over the sink perhaps.
State of the art recycling center- three bins located in your landscaped backyard. (See above.)
Dog friendly- dog must be under 4lbs, cannot bark, must not have claws, ideally without fur. Preference given to pets that are in fact imaginary.
Close to public transportation- located above streetcar route. (Earplugs not included.)
“Up and coming neighborhood”- Ten years ago you couldn’t wear red or blue here but now there may or may not be a really great brunch place that under no circumstances takes reservations.
Old world charm- not required to observe fire codes or be ADA compliant. Synonyms: retro, vintage, period details throughout.
Majestic- un-affordable. Synonyms: spacious, massive, delightful.
Easy commute- as compared to the Titanic, certainly.
Decorated with a designers touch- I paid my Aunt Cheryl the ‘feng shui expert’ to do it.
Private deck with access to backyard-just step out on your window sill and jump on down, aim for the compost pile on the right.
I hope this helps some of you navigate the treacherous rental market out there. And if you happen to be a property manager running my background check please ignore everything I just said and enjoy those banana walnut muffins I baked you.
Really?…really? Holy Craaap. Did I mention there is a lot of room for dogs to run in Northern Canada? As long as you don’t mind wearing mittens in September…
The lack of dog friendly options is really disheartening. It especially hurts because Rory won’t be with us for that much longer.
[snort]
Laughed out loud at the brunch line. So true.
Did you see this post, where I posted a link to average rents by neighborhood and a hilarious primer on SF ‘hoods?
http://naptimewriting.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/sf-neighborhoods-a-sassy-primer/
Live in Glen Park. Period.
And good luck!
I’ll most likely be in that neighborhood the primer forgot (the Richmond)
Ack! My brother is looking for a new place in SF – mayhaps I should send this handy guide to him, yes?
You should give him my email at least, it’s really really hard to find an apartment here.
That was a riot! I especially liked the definitions of old world charm and majestic!
Happy to put a smile on your face!
I eat most of my meals standing up in the kitchen.
I didn’t know there was any other way…
Really once you have kids the idea of a dining room is pretty silly…
So funny! Sounds like it’s time to move to Minnesota!
It might just be.
I’ll work as your meter-feeder for a futon to sleep on.
Done and done.
So true, my friend, so true.
All this …and yet, still worth it! BEST TIME OF MY LIFE!
LOL this would be hilarious if it wasn’t completely true, which just makes it SAD!
It’s a good thing I didn’t mention rental prices or people might really be crying.
This is hilarious
And informative (pats self on back)
Yes, informative too!
You’ve got apartment hunting in San Francisco figured out, Yuliya! Fantastic tips and advice — especially on open house preparedness. I posted a similar article a few months ago: http://livelove.ly/sf-apt-hunting-guide
Ooh what a pretty site Joel, how do you guys differ from PadMapper?
Oh, man oh man, do I know charming. City dwelling is no easy feat. Especially with child and dog. Fingers crossed for you, my friend! (loved this one)
At least you can come visit me in “the” City, right? right?
OH, this made me laugh. I lived in two places where we didn’t take into account how much the in-law suite below us would effect us. The first place with one was rented to my landlords cousins. They took advantage of the situation as much as possible. They would take our parking spots, or complain the power bill was too high, so that we had to pay 90% of it. The other in-law was used by my landlord and her extra-marital lover. We had to pay the full rent of the house just to get control of the in-law so we didn’t have to hear them having sex anymore. AWFUL!
In law units are something I should definitely cover in another post!