I’ve been a terrible friend to Write on Edge, an online community that is ‘a place for writers to gather, exchange ideas and learn something about the art of storytelling.’ In fact it’s been so long since I wrote something with Write on Edge that they were still called the Red Dress Club when I did! I kept wanting to join in on the prompts and kept talking myself out of it for a million different reasons.
But this week the prompt begged me to join, it asked to explore friendship, a current one or one from your past and to look at the role it plays in your life.
I knew just what to talk about.
You see I have this friend…
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I shout and share my exciting news: published, I’m going to be published in a real magazine where they pay me money for words I strung together!
Really? Well I hope you don’t get your hopes up, it’s a local magazine and isn’t likely to lead to other opportunities. And honestly? If other opportunities do come along you need to accept that you might put years into this ‘writing thing’ with nothing to show for it at the end of it all. It’s not a real job. Besides don’t you have a job? Aren’t you a blogger? *snickering*
I’m a stay at home mom, remember? I suppose that’s not a real job either.
Well I hate to say it like this, but it’s just not. Not to mention your kid is in preschool two mornings a week now and you have a nanny to help you occasionally? Does that even count as being a stay at home mom? That’s like saying I’m a ballerina because occasionally I watch ballet.
That’s not very nice.
Well dear, sometimes you don’t need someone to be nice, you need someone to be honest. Speaking of honesty, have you looked in the mirror lately? How is it even possible to gain twenty pounds in one year? Do you eat in your sleep?
I don’t know. I’m trying to get healthier. I am.
You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that. Didn’t you want to get pregnant again? Though if you want my opinion, can you even handle another kid? Look at how things are turning out with your first one.
What is that supposed to mean?
You’re sleeping upstairs in a separate bedroom from your husband? She’s almost two and just barely sleeps through the night, if she feels like it. Does that seem normal to you? Maybe if you had been stricter in the beginning like I told you to be, you wouldn’t be dealing with the fallout from this co-sleeping nonesense. You know, how she acts is a direct reflection on who you are as a parent.
So she doesn’t sleep. She’s an awesome little kid.
You know, how she acts has no bearing on who you are as a parent, that’s just her personality.
I give up.
Of course you do. Quitter.
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I want to break up with this friend.
Too bad the bitch lives inside my head.
I’m suggesting an exorcism.
That bitch needs to GO.
I love you Cam! You know just what to say. None of that ‘oh poor you must be hard’ pity nonsense, just a plan of action!
I kept thinking, ’she needs to drop this ‘friend’ fast!’. But that’s a little more difficult when she’s part of you. It’s hard to get rid of the negative thoughts.
I’m with you, Bets. I’m so thinking DUMP her like I did the so called “friend” (NOT) who told me I looked FAT when I was 9 months pregnant. I’m supposed to, you witch! But when it’s your super mean devil’s advocate live inside your brain shrew, it’s not so easy, is it? Sigh . . .
DEATH TO THE HEAD BITCHES! They are such liars. But damn, they’re persistent. Sneaky heifers. Always lurking, say pssssst. Stop psssssting me! I know you’re here!
Hey, I have a friend like that, too. Seems they shack up in the same place. You’re an awesome mom. Tell your friend she needs to move along and go annoy the hell out of someone else.
Tell her to get out
Why is it that we’re hardest on ourselves?
(Also, my kids suck at the sleeping. Let’s start a club.)
And you know what? It made me so happy to see your face linked up today, so I guess the bitch was good for something
Wow, what a twist in the end! It’s hilarious but unfortunately we all know a bitch like that really really intimately.
There’s a bitch in my head too. It’s the only friend we can’t take a vacation from.
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
You’re doing a fantastic job, Y. No joke.
This is awesome! First, I was getting all defensive about you being published. What a bitchy friend! Then, you totally got me.
You totally need to ditch this friend, though. Totally!
Thanks for this.
Very Clever. My bitch is particularly awful. We all need to kill the bitches that live in our heads although I’m so glad you shared because now I know I’m no the only one.
Less than a year ago I put up the eviction notice. She still stands on my lawn sometimes but I’ve learned to lob water balloons at her. And so have my friends. You can count on me to throw a few for you.
What a bitch! At first, I thought it my be like…your mother but then…I was fooled! Great post but dump the friend (why are we always hardest on ourselves?)
This was awesome. If you find out how to get rid of the bitch in your head, PLEASE let me know, because one lives in mine, too…and I just can’t seem to kick her out.
Seriously, great post. We can be our own best friends…or our own worst enemies.
That bitch is just exhausted. Don’t listen to a word she says. Whenever she rears her head think of her like a tantruming toddler and put her night night.
I was getting ready to lead you to a post of mine when I wrote about a similar friend – but oh my – your friend is uh what you said! Girl let her go! kick her to the curb. Put her to sleep! But you stay with us. Great post!
I was afraid it was your mother!
My son, at 27 months, still isn’t sleeping through the night . . . so he sleeps with us. Part of me thinks that I’m an absolute failure for this . . . part of me thinks that it’s unlikely that he’ll go off to college expecting to sleep in his parent’s bed, so don’t worry about it, he’s a pretty awesome kid. I love the thought that, if a kid wants a cuddle, that a kid can reach over & get a cuddle.
Being published, that’s a pretty big deal.
And we will always love having participate with Write On Edge
I have a similar friend. Bitch never shuts up.
Dude, do we have the same bitch in our heads?
I love this, Yuliya. Because we ALL got that bitch for a friend. (or frenemy) How can we make her a little less bitchy? Is she hungry? Tired? I bet she’s hungry AND tired.
And kids who sleep through the night are duds. It’s science.
If she was a “real” person, we’d say she was jealous. So she’s obviously jealous that you get to have a life–no matter how tiring and tiresome it can be sometimes–while she’s imprisoned in your mind. Can you resign her to solitary confinement?
And just remember–all the baby kisses are yours alone.
I recognized that voice! I evicted her from my head about 10 years ago – I’m so sorry she showed up at your house! Hey, IRL, we would say, “drop her, she’s not a friend” – so stop being your own worst enemy, (warning sappy advice ahead) love the life you live and live the life you love (end sappy advice)!
Dude, that bitch lives in my head, too! And she’s at it 20 hours a day, so she must be one tired bitch, running back and forth from your head to mine. No wonder she’s so mean. She’s living in negativity instead of doing something she likes.
Hey, listen. Other cultures don’t expect kids to sleep through the night until age 4. Russians, especially, are more understanding about the sleep patterns of small people.
My first slept through the night at 3.25 years. He night weaned (forcibly, terribly, but necessarily) at 18 months and it made NO difference in his sleep. My second, a few weeks younger than yours, has slept through once. ONCE. I night weaned at 16 months, way before he was ready, because I was FED UP. But he still wakes. Just as often.
Their sleep patterns are just different than grownups. And they eventually sleep. I once asked my pediatrician, tears streaming down my face, “Do you have any seven year olds in your practice who don’t sleep through the night?” No. None. Never.
We had a friend whose daughter won the award for Oldest to Sleep Through the Night. She was four. Guess what? You’re halfway there.
Hang in there. I’d rather have a great kid, well adjusted, who knows (s)he’s loved than a toddler who sleeps through the night. Some families don’t have to choose and get both. But many can’t have both so they force their children to learn that at night, they don’t get love.
No way, sister. That’s part of where that bitch voice starts. “I’m lonely, where is everyone?” “You know they don’t come if it’s dark. Because you’re not worthy…”
No way. Out, damned bitch.