Can we be friends? Part 1

Something I find baffling about adulthood is how hard it is to make friends.

When you’re a kid it’s relatively simple, or at least that’s the way I remember it being. In the sixth grade one girl gave me Kerropi stationary for Christmas and we became best friends forever. Easy peasy.

Then I got old and married and became a mom and I have found it increasingly difficult to make friends. I mean there’s a reason “playdate” has the word “date” in it, because it feels exactly like dating.

You meet other moms (and dads) everywhere: the pediatrician’s office, the playground, your weekly tribal drumming class, whatever.

You casually scope each other out: parent is appropriately dressed and offspring appears only slightly feral, parent drives hybrid car with “I brake for manatees” bumper sticker, snacks are organic and homemade but feature Sesame street characters, okay these people could be my friends, maybe?

I believe friendships with other parents must be based on mutual interests, shared parenting philosophies and the ability to French braid one another’s hair.

But you can’t tell all of that from one glance across a grocery store aisle or by rifling through their diaper bag when they leave to use the restroom during story time at the library.

Don’t you wish there was an easier way to gather this sort of in depth analysis?

I do.

And so I have decided to create a questionnaire for prospective friends.

The questionnaire will cover all of the important parenting hot topics and will help you avoid those awkward moments when you realize you are the only one breastfeeding a toddler/Hot Saucing/homeschooling nineteen children or whatever your unique approach may be.

I will add questions to the questionnaire until I have created the perfect compatibility matching system.

Let’s get started. Here is question #1

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Next week we’ll tackle “what’s in your kid’s sippy cup?”

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43 Responses to “Can we be friends? Part 1”

  1. hee hee. I circled the top one. The hospital disposed of it. I mean, as far as I know. I never actually saw it, to be honest. I don’t know what they did with it. I am assuming they disposed of it. I really hope so. Oh my. It never occurred to me until right this second that maybe I should have made sure. I mean, what if some weirdo orderly or nurse did something weird with it??

    I’ve decided I find this question very troubling, and I might have to launch a full-scale investigation into what became of my placenta. Both of them! Oh, I have two kids, that’s twice as much opportunity for unauthorized placenta weirdness. Great.

    How am I doing so far? Can we be friends?

    • Yuliya says:

      I’m sorry but the algorithm behind my compatibility matching system is proprietary and cannot be disclosed to possible competitors.

  2. Jessica says:

    This is pretty funny considering your part in the play I just saw you in.

    • Yuliya says:

      Not answering the questions earns you ten negative points. Attending the play I was in earns you eight billion positive points, so I guess you’re doing pretty well for yourself.

      • Roxanne says:

        I’m assuming the hospital disposed of it. But I guess I can’t really know. I just remember it being in a bucket and they asked if I wanted to see it. After that, I have no confirmation about what happened to it.

        How many points to I get? I answered the question AND I saw your play AND I auditioned for one with you. So I have infinity points, right? RIGHT?

  3. Play? Play? Was it about a placenta? We really have no idea who you are, do we? I had mine stretched across a canvas and dried. It’s hanging as a piece of modern art in my living room.

  4. Mandyland says:

    Um. I don’t know what happened to it. I think that makes me a hippie hot pocket fail. I think I was supposed to make it into stroganoff or something, but I’m sorta vegetarian sometimes.


    I just grossed myself out.

    Next question.

    Excuse me. I need to go gag.

    Carry on.

  5. CDG says:



  6. Nichole says:

    I love you. :)
    Thank you for the early morning giggles.

  7. Eva Gallant says:

    I dried mine, cut it up, and made it into a floral arrangement. It’s on the coffee table.

    You were in a play? I’m so jealous.

  8. I’m pretty sure the hospital took it and turned it into a Placentaur.

    And also? This is hilarious! If I were a lesser person, I’d be green with envy over the angle you took to cover this topic, which is something I’ve also been wanting to write about.

    But I’m not a lesser person.

    OK, maybe I’m a little bit of a lesser person.

  9. Jessica says:

    Still gagging from the thought of placenta lasagna. I feel like I haven’t visited you in years, you are stuck with me as a friend no matter what number I pick. Lucky for you it was #1 and I’m not inviting you over for mystery pasta night.

  10. Sherri says:


    My placenta was most likely last seen on the delivery room table, to be whisked away to the incinerator and never seen again.

    I suppose this ruins our friendship?

  11. The hospital took mine, but I think you left one very crunchy option off the list. Placenta smoothies. No I am not kidding.

    I think the fact that I know that this option exists will make us besties for life.

  12. Amber says:

    For me it’s the hospital took it. But however saying aliens took it would be so much more awesome and honestly I had all three of my kids at Womack Army Medical Center, Fort Bragg, NC so who know what may of happen to those placenta’s ;)

  13. Kris Mulkey says:

    So funny. My sister-in-law has hers in the freezer. Completely grosses me out and has me worried about what we might be eating for Christmas dinner. gaaaaaaaaah

  14. First of all, what is hot saucing?

    Did I just betray myself as hopelessly uncool and incapable of being your friend? Because if I did, then I totally know what hot saucing is and I was just testing you.


    Also, placentas are gross so I fed it to the stork.
    At least that’s what I told my kids…

  15. gigi says:

    You? Are too much. :) LOVE IT.

    But beneath the humor…I get the real dilemma. totally. It’s so hard to make grownup friends.

  16. Barbara says:

    Love this….have no idea what happened to mine. Hope the Blair Witch didn’t get it. ;)

  17. Kristin says:

    This is just fantastic and completely true. Those library book readings are so incredibly awkward at times. You just know that everyone is scoping each other out.

  18. Ali says:

    I sent mine to Matthew Mcconaughey. I’m guessing he ate it with some fava beans and some nice chianti.

  19. Rachael says:

    The placenteur ate it. And OMG your commenters are hysterical!

  20. PPD says:

    It’s really a fascinating organ, and having had 3 kids I can certainly say my attitude has changed over the years. My first was born when I was 21 and I was so terrified I had no idea what the hell was happening much less that I had a choice about what to do with the placenta. My 2nd is now 5 years old and honestly the placenta was triple wrapped and stayed in my freezer with the intention of burial when we bought a house. Well the house never happened and it stayed in my freezer until I was pregnant with my 3rd. In an elaborate ceremony, I defrosted it and buried it at the bottom of a lemon tree. It just HAD to get out of the freezer LOL. With my last son now 8 months old, I did have it encapsulated because of the hope that it woulld help with post partum depression, which I did suffer rather severely. Long story but I think it’s fascinating to see the choices we as women make and whether we can respect each other’s choices.

    • Yuliya says:

      Do you feel like it helped with PPD at all? I would totally encapsulate mine, it’s the only way I can handle ingesting it…which is insane if you think about it because hello I eat DEAD ANIMALS. My real dilemma is what do people do if they want a lotus birth because that means they can’t eat it right? I think “what you do with your placenta” is a very safe issue as far as choices go, I’ll have to wait and see what happens with the other questions.

      • PPD says:

        I imagine there is a certain amount of placebo effect but yes I do think it helped. Although when the PPD got severe, I completely forgot about the “pills” in the fridge. I could never have done a lasagna, I’m just not that “granola” but I encapsulation is a reasonable approach. Make sure the person who does it, uses food grade procedures and processes.

  21. Venus says:

    YES YES YES. I feel your frustration. A questionnaire is the way to go.

    My answer? The hospital disposed of mine, though I’d be ok with my midwife disposing of it if I ever manage to have a home birth. I’m grateful it was there, it’s an amazing organ. But honestly? I really don’t need to look at it or touch it or eat it or turn it into a teddy bear (I’m not joking, someone did it, I just can’t find the link right now).

  22. Katie says:

    I donated my placenta to be made into blankets for the homeless.

    no wait, that was my old fabric.

    My placenta? Well two were flushed with miscarriages and the one that fed Eddie? Um…unless Cort stuck it in his pocket I guess the hospital did something with it. I was very drugged and tired when it all happened. I could still have it. who knows.

    Maybe it’s in Eddie’s baby book.

  23. The hospital disposed of mine (with both kids), and I never ever saw it. My poor husband did see it, however, and says that he still has nightmares about it.

  24. I ate mine.

    Kidding. Totally kidding.

    I believe the hospital disposed of it. I’m not even sure I saw it. I was too busy trying not to die.

    I’m printing this out and putting it in my purse.

  25. Dana says:

    A part of the placenta was in the homemade snack I made you. I told you it was organic.

  26. tracy says:

    I need to know more about this placenta play.

  27. Actually, I really wanted to see mine but I don’t think I did – twice.

    This time around? I am definitely checking that grotesquely wonderful organ out!

    I’m worried about the sippy cup question. I’m guessing cranberry vodka is going to be wrong……

    Meanwhile, I, too, was in a play. And I got, like, paid. Props?

  28. angela says:

    I had two c-sections, so they were ALLEGEDLY disposed of by the hospital. I was pumped full of body numbing drugs, so I neither saw nor felt it. Only the doctors and the nurses know for sure…

  29. Elaine says:

    You know, I didn’t really even comprehend the whole placenta thing until I saw a birthing video AT birthing class while 8 months pregnant for the first time. NO idea that thing had to come out too. Sad, huh?

    And placenta LASAGNA?!?!?!? GAG.

  30. This is exactly topic that has been coming up to me lately. Not making friends SHOULD be a topic, though that’s easier said than done.

    As for my placenta, it’s currently still in tact, as I am pregnant with my first. I don’t have any special plans for it, though a midwife suggested I give it to my dog. ahahaha.

  31. Charlotte says:

    You have had me weeping with laughter….and reminding me to do more Kegel exercises!!! Thanks for a fabulous blog!! I’m following for sure!

  32. [...] So please, take a moment in your post dinner lull to fill out another delightful friendship questionnaire. [...]

  33. [...] November I began a very important project a friendship test designed to help you weed out the weirdos and form lasting relationships. I also made some Jolly [...]

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