I will use the pronoun “she” because I have a girl toddler child.
1. She is hungry. Specifically, she is hungry for the pretzels of the kid in the other swing and the inferior (exact same) pretzels you brought for her as a snack just won’t do.
2. She is Sleepy (substitute with other appropriate dwarfs…Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy, etc)
3. You have misplaced her favorite toy/blankie/piece of trash that she had become unreasonably attached to.
4. There are sharp calcified structures protruding from her jaws.
5. The way daddy reads “Goodnight Moon” is not the way mommy reads it. This is devastating.
6. Her majesty’s exact orders weren’t carried out to her specifications (I gave her the blue cup instead of the orange, because I am an imbecile.)
7. She has to poop.
8. We stupid parents can’t grasp her sophisticated communication system. (Does anyone out there have ANY idea what “sehveh” could possibly mean?)
9. You insist on correcting her vision of the world. In her world order seven comes after five and you being a big fat bubble burster are constantly trying to convince her that six comes after five, which frankly is rather uninspired.
10. She is a toddler which makes her the same chronological age as your ex-boyfriend, remember what a jerk he was?
Tags: parenting a toddler
Love it. Now I know the rest of the story.
Or, you didn’t know that saying the word dog repeatedly while watching Elmo and trying to grab the mouse meant that he wanted to watch the hot dog song by Mickey Mouse. Idiot mommy. And if I find out about sehveh, I will only tell you if you can tell me the meaning of tinga.
I so needed this today!
Thank you, for making me feel less alone in the world of toddler confusion, unreasonable requests, and tantrums.
Sigh.
What is it with the random carp and pieces of trash they insist on carrying around everywhere? For the longest time one of my twins was ridiculously attached to an empty bubble bottle. If she didn’t have it, it was ok, but God forbid she see one of her sisters with it.
You realize that I think this is completely adorable and cute. Because this is YOUR adorable and cute little girl.
When mine pulls this crap I hide in the nearest closet with a bottle of wine. No glass needed.
Oh my god that actually made me laugh so loud my coworkers think I just had a nervous breakdown. Thank you, I needed that on a monday.
Yuliya, it’s like you’ve entered the twilight zone when the toddler hits this stage. Good luck my friend. Your comparison to an ex boyfriend made me laugh outloud. Glad I’m not the only one with a few skeletons (of the boyfriend variety) in my closet!
Dana
Nice. I’ll have to print this out and paste it into the instruction manual I’m making myself as I get ready for G to grow inter toddlerhood.
*into
I literally just snorted at my desk. That was SO funny!
I would like to add:
You told her not to do something, she did and she hurt herself and that is ALL YOUR FAULT for not protecting her.
And
You’re a jerk for not changing the world so that socks go on AFTER shoes, but still ON feet and not on the OUTSIDE of the shoe.
AND
You changed the order of something, which you always assumed menial but which actually caused her world to end. You know, like handing her her water BEFORE her snacks and now AFTER. How could you?
Also “seveh” I have no sweet clue about but I just deciphered that “oooshun” means “my turn” which also means “MINE MINE MINE”. Took me 5 weeks to get that one, and I only figured it out because now it actually SOUNDS more like “mah shurn” and she’s added MINE and grabbing to the mix.
OH SWEET LOVES!
This is very helpful. I will stop putting six after five immediately.
Is that where I’ve been going wrong all these years?
Yep. This is where I am with my toddler except she has no new teeth coming in (right now).
That was funny. Kinda glad I don’t have a toddler anymore. Of course pre-teen can be really fun too. : )
Do we have the same child?
Yes. All of the above, yes. My 2yo currently has THREE LOVIES that she must have at all times or the world will end, plus a stack of foam floor puzzle pieces in her crib.
Since we only have 9 words over here, I’m going to help with the many translations of sehveh:
When shouted at you it means “Servant!”
When cooed at you, means “Savior!”
When said to a toy, means “Seven,” which, as we know, comes after five.
When said to food, means “Savor!” Because she’s multilingual and all that.
Also? It means “sit down,” “storytime,” “I’m not planning to nap,” and “SUCKER!”
You know it’s very rude to post comments that are funnier than the post. (This was hysterical, your punishment is TBD)
That is too funny and too true!
As the fellow mom of a girl toddler child, you nailed this post.
And I’ll try to help you figure out what “sehveh” means if you promise to help me with “pispay” – which sometimes means ‘this way’ and sometimes doesn’t. Because it is indeed a VERY complex communication system.
Astrid needs you to know that the correct way to count to ten is 1.3.8.9.11.21.18.18.18.18.18.12. dammit.
This is great!
I think not letting kids know in advance the next move is the cause of a lot of freak outs. How would you feel if you just sat down to look at something you thought was neat and you were suddenly airlifted away from it? What if this happened to you fifty times a day? I found with our daughter that giving an advance warning that we were leaving or going to do something else or that time had run out on an activity made her feel much more at peace when the time came.
I just started doing that, I tell her her first we’ll do this then this then that, so far it’s working great! In general though mine is not really at the age where transitions are hard for her I expect that we will be tackling that in the months to come.
Add “rock” to the list of things misplaced and you have my toddler. Oh GAWD.
This is hilarious!