I know I’ve been a downer lately.
Not blogging.
Then blogging about how I’m not blogging.
I’ve given hints here and there that all is not always well in Yuliya land. And the minute I hit publish on posts like that, posts in which I have made a conscious decision to talk about depression, I am at once relieved and regretful. I second guess my decision to put it out there because ‘it’ isn’t inspirational or happy or an appeal to the taste buds but something darker, more uncomfortable and quite possibly NOT the side dish you want with your morning cup of coffee.
Let’s face it, it’s much easier (for me) to joke about it…
Then to write the words “I struggle with depression.”
Because as part of that struggle I face my own judgement and the judgement of others that what I am feeling isn’t real. The implications both subtle and overt that if only I knew what real problems were (famine, war, rape) I wouldn’t waste my time feeling melancholy or whatever over my life. My life, which on paper looks pretty great.
But depression isn’t about whether or not your problems are more or less legitimate than someone else’s. It is an internal struggle in which your perception of the external is skewed. When you are in the grips of it, you believe that you are a burden to those who love you and that the only solution can be to take yourself out of the equation. Permanently.
Someone I care about recently made that decision. She was a bright, beautiful, caring and wonderfully unique person and she ended her life.
I am still in denial about this, her Facebook status updates and photos with family and friends are deceptively normal, happy even. And yet she’s gone.
I wonder if I could have been there somehow, if I could have made a difference, if maybe I could go back in time to our time in the dorms (I was her Resident Adviser) and DO SOMETHING to change this outcome.
I know logically there is little I can do in this case except be there as best I can for the loved ones left behind that are dealing with the aftermath.
But going forward, what can I do?
The only thing I can think of to do is to make a conscious decision to talk about depression. To say “it’s okay” , “I understand”, “I know that you are struggling, I struggle too.”
This is MY corner of the internet and it’s my responsibility (first and foremost to myself) to be honest, to be open, to be vulnerable and authentic.
To say I know what it’s like to be in that place, the place where suicide seems like the answer.
To say to anyone reading this, that if you are in my life, online or off, and you are feeling like this is your answer PLEASE reach out and tell someone. Pick up the phone, get online, get the help you need.
If you know someone that you suspect might be struggling, please reach out and be there for them. The person struggling with depression might be outgoing, gregarious, or bubbly. They might not be someone who looks like a typically depressed person, whatever that looks like. Their life might seem perfect on paper, in a blog post or on a Facebook wall.
They might not ask for help. You might wonder if you should say anything at all.
You should.
Be relentless, be annoying, be WRONG, just be there.
***
To Jessica’s family and friends. I am so sorry for your loss. She touched my life and she will always remain in my heart.
This is some powerful writing. Im so grateful that you chose to open up, to hit publish, to speak about how you feel and about your friend’s story. The best thing we can do is be honest and brave and open when we have the backbone, and the support system, to do so. To normalize the feelings we keep hidden that we think no one else feels… to invite them to be open about their struggles because they know we struggle too.
I write a lot about depression. Its been a hard couple of years lately, and it helps to write about it. Im grateful to know you understand. And now you know I do too.
if you havent met/arent following @motherunadorned please do… she blogs about suicide, mental illness, and depression on behalf of her friend who took her own life last year. Cristi is a beautiful soul. And so are you.. want to make sure you get to know each other
Again, thank you so much for your courage to pour your heart out. It makes a difference to me, and it will make a difference to a lot of others too.
Yuliya, I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend.
I do believe it is very important to talk about depression, to get it out there and seek help when you need it. This is your forum, use it as you wish. You do not have to “be” a certain way.
I struggle with depression. Daily. Hourly. I talk about it on my blog because it helps connect me to a community that supports me no matter what – something I don’t always feel I have IRL (although I do, I shouldn’t kid myself).
I am here for you, in any capacity you need me to be.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. And my heart hurts for you, knowing that depression was/is a part of your own life. But your words are reassuring here since I feel you know when to ask for help.
Please know that we are here for you and that we will ALWAYS listen. Much love, Yuliya.
As always, relevant, well written, and real. Thanks for this, Y, and I’m so sorry for this sadness. I’m always better at just keeping things light, trying to stay in the sunshine, keeping my head down and staying busy … but I think and feel deeply about the people in my life who struggle with depression and loneliness and addiction even if I don’t know quite how to connect. This is a good reminder.
It’s hard when you try to talk and are met with the “buck up” comments. I admit I think sometimes about how everyone would be better off without me. But I don’t consider it (maybe it’s only in MY mind, but I think there’s a difference). Because I realize I wouldn’t be better off without them. It’s not always easy, and I can’t imagine the turmoil your friend felt. I’m sorry you’re dealing w/the loss of her, that her family is dealing w/the loss of her, that you deal w/the struggle yourself. But I thank you for this post. Wholeheartedly.
oh friend. I am so very VERY sorry for your loss.
I can say from experience that by being the debbie downer and talking about my depression on my blog? TONS of people have–on the side–asked me about therapy and medication and seeing doctors. I can only hope and pray that I helped somehow by letting them know they are not alone..and that it’s ok…and that there is help.
Peace to you. And to Jessica’s family.
I am so sorry for your loss. I totally agree with you, we need to talk about it because it does end too quickly. I was hospitalized this past March for 8 days for depression because I was at the point where I wanted to take myself out of the equation as well. I hid it very well and eventually it took over. It is shameful when you are in it and it seems impossible to overcome. I am so so sorry for your loss and my heart is with you. As you said too to us, I am also here to talk if you ever need it. Hugs.
Yuliya, I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been thinking about you. And it is real, very very real. I am so glad you are taking it seriously. You are getting help right? Right? You are an amazing writer, funny post or not. You are needed here to help those who cannot find the words. You can change someone’s life and hopefully your own by doing this. Go to the top commenters site she recommended. Find support nearby. I’m sending you a virtual hug along with a big cup of java. Unless of course you don’t drink the java, then I’ll come with chocolate. It has lots of endorphin like properties, so you can eat the chocolate while jogging for even more.
Take care,
Dana
I am praying for you, Jessica’s family and friends.
I have, and still do fight the dark demons of depression. And it truly does make a difference to have someone in your life who doesn’t let you drift, who notices when you are pulling back from the world and calls you on it, who loves you in the midst of your darkness.
Sending so much love and lightness your way today!
Yuliya, I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been thinking about you. And it is real, very very real. I am so glad you are taking it seriously. You are getting help right? Right? You are an amazing writer, funny post or not. You are needed here to help those who cannot find the words. You can change someone’s life and hopefully your own by doing this. Go to the top commenters site she recommended. Find support nearby. I’m sending you a virtual hug along with a big cup of java. Unless of course you don’t drink the java, then I’ll come with chocolate. It has lots of endorphin like properties, so you can eat the chocolate and get better. Because that’s what I want for you, for you to be the Yuliya who knows how great she is, and wants to celebrate her life.
xoxo,
Dana
Until Tracie tweeted your link, I’d never read your blog. After reading it, I’m very thankful there is someone like you in the world.
People just do not understand the toll depression can take and the pressure on a depressed person to hide it. If I had a dime for the number of times other Christians told me that I just need to trust in Jesus (or that I don’t trust in Him enough)…well…you and I and everyone else who reads this blog could have a nice seafood dinner.
Your post made me think of a video I recorded for my blog a few days ago where I talked about people in churches who are like an old factory I walked past. They have solid foundations, they have big brick walls and they could produce and bless so many people but inside the factory is rotting away because folks don’t care enough to get involved to make sure what’s inside is as sturdy as what’s outside. As I read your post, as I think about your friend as you described her, I see the same picture in regards to depression. The buildings look good but inside there’s a great need for someone…anyone…to come in and help make things livable.
Thank you for speaking up, thank you for making me think with your post and most of all thank you for being there for your friend’s family and friends. God bless you.
You know what I’m going to say because I’ve said it already: Good for you, and way to go, and I’m so sorry. I know how hard all of that is. Believe me, I know. And yes, writing about it is good – for everyone.
You’re not alone. Whoever you are – you’re not alone.
I never know what to say when I read posts like this. I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope that you find some light in your darkness and I am glad that you are writing.
Beautifully said Yuliya. I’m so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jessica’s family, and all of Jessica’s friends. What a difficult time this must be. I hope you know I am here for you anytime, dear friend.
With Love,
Dominic
Brave, generous woman. These words of yours are words that always need speaking. Depression eats away at hope, and suicide shatters lives in ways no one can predict.
I’m so proud of you for taking action and opening yourself up.
It is important to talk about depression, it can hopefully help someone.
I’m so sorry about your friend. How sad. How horrible for her family. I’ve known a couple of families who have suffered that kind of loss, and seen the pain and grief in their eyes…heard them wonder if there was something they could have, SHOULD have, done. It’s awful. And while we can’t go back and change history, we can definitely try to make a difference in the future. Open discussion like this is so important. And your advice is excellent.
You have a very big heart – and you are so brave in your honesty.
Yulia, I cannot thank you enough for writing about your depression, and sharing your loss.
I also live with depression, and, while I’m in a good place now, that hasn’t always been the case.
While I don’t hide my depression, I probably also don’t speak about it enough. Thanks for inspiring me to do so – so many people need comfort and to know that they are not alone.
You have an amazing support system – make use of it. The saddest thing about people who decide to take their lives is that they often can’t be helped because they have made that decision and nothing will dissuade them. Sometimes they aren’t crying out for help, they are saying “good-bye because I can’t take this anymore.” The saddest thing of all? Life is always full of ups, downs, changes, and it is never static – it changes, moves, grows, expands, is brilliant, and a force we can wrestle into what we want for ourselves. What is unbearable today can become a thing of the past and a foundation to help others just one day later. NEVER stop talking – sharing – learning – helping – posting – giving of yourself – reaching out.
This is a very important post; I’m glad you chose to write and share it. Not everything in life is funny; and no one can laugh all the time. Don’t ever hesitate to post something that is important and relevant to you; chances are, it is to someone else out there, too. You never know whom you might be helping.
I am so sorry.
And so proud of you.
Plus whatever other words can express how unselfish you are for hitting publish.
You are needed and necessary and loved.
And this post, instead of being a “downer” is a gift.
Really.
I’m so sorry for the senseless loss of your friend, Yuliya. And I’m sorry that you, too, have been in a depressive spiral. I’m all too familiar with them myself and wholeheartedly agree that it is SO important to talk about depression instead of treating it as if it’s some sort of shameful taboo. I’m a big proponent of putting it out there.
But sometimes people in the grips of it don’t want to put it out there. They don’t even want to acknowledge there’s a problem. I’m currently experiencing this with someone I love – he’s like a brick wall that I keep hurling myself against in an effort to break through, and I’m beginning to feel emotionally bruised and battered by the effects of it. The depression turns him into someone I don’t know… and don’t really like. I won’t give up on him; will keep trying to make him understand that I’m on his side and that he can do more than merely exist in life. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about depression – both battling it personally and loving someone who also battles it – it’s that you need to WANT to help yourself before you actually can. And sometimes all the talking in the world can’t make that happen.
But I won’t stop.
Sending you my love and a reminder that I am always here.
My heart breaks for your friend’s family.
And for you.
Gorgeous, vulnerable, honest writing, my friend.
xoxo
I recently found out a friend was struggling, very very hard. She was close to ending her life. I had spent time with her – she stayed in my home for 3 nights – and would have never guessed. She hid it.
Please anyone, tell SOMEONE. tell a hotline. There are people there for you, though – even if you don’t realize it.
It makes such a difference when you just say that you’re sinking. I hope that, in addition to the thoughtful words that encourage desperate people to reach out, that you’ve encouraged everyone with depression to reach out. You deserve support and patience and gentleness in a mild funk, in a black depression, in a deep bottomless well, AND when there’s just nothing left.
You deserve support and patience and gentleness.
Thanks for giving that nasty case of the fuckits a voice. The more light we shed in those dark, horrifying corners, the fewer of them we face.
Hey, Yuliya, did I ever send you this link? A post about being enough as you are. Because you are. http://naptimewriting.wordpress.com/2011/09/15/enough/
Stumbled upon your blog via the Sits girls blog & ironically enough, I just published my own “I’m Depressed” blog this week. It was hard but I felt that it was necessary to put it out there and though I don’t feel that much better about it (yet) I’m proud of myself.
And I am proud of you. Though we don’t know each other, I know how hard it is to admit such a thing & I would also rather make jokes about it (as I still do) than be serious.
Good luck with your journey Xo
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