And so the day came and went.
February 19th, 2011 three hundred and sixty five days since Aliza came into my world.
February 19th, 2010 the day I became a mom.
(photo by the talented Eden Thome)
I did what any modern mom would do to commemorate the occasion. I outsourced the cake making to my mother in law, proudly updated my Facebook status and talked myself down from the ledge after looking at post-baby celebrity bodies.
And I thought about her birth day.
I haven’t shared her birth story and I don’t know if I should. That sounds melodramatic, but I don’t want my feelings about her birth to make anyone feel as if I’m judging them or their birth experience, or adoption experience or what have you. So this is my disclaimer, for any one who may be sensitive or easily offended, please don’t be.
Here goes my attempt at conveying the moment of my daughter’s birth. My darling android husband wants you all (he’s oddly optimistic with the blog’s Google Analytics) to know that this is not the whole story, and so to him and to anyone else I say, no it isn’t, but it’s the piece of the story I can share today.
~her birth day~
A melody is playing, this mama’s hips are swaying. We begin…
Breathe in slowly, breathe out.
I am powerful, strong, a birthing goddess.
I will proudly join the circle of generations of women before me who have created life.
Twisting and turning, mother and baby, together we dance the dance,
The surges that bring her here,
Push and pull, ebb and flow, and the moment finally arrives…
Her warm, wet body, placed on my chest as I meet her for the first time. Her hair coated in vernix, her eyes open and alert, her tiny fists balled up and held in midair, as if protesting the indignation of it all.
I am still shaking from the rush of adrenaline, high from the power of it all, blissed out from the love hormones, glowing (okay sweating), the words tumbling out of me “hello baby, you’re here, you’re finally here.”
Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of happiness.
Time stops and we re-discover one another, no longer in my body, but still tethered to me forever, my daughter!
Instead…
No melody playing (hospital policy), this mama’s hips are headed down the hall, the nurse tells me we are ready to begin…
Breathe in slowly and out, you need to keep perfectly still for the needle.
I am powerless, the drugs are strong, where are you birthing Goddess?
I have created this life but I will not birth it from my body,
Twirling and turning, the doctors and nurses together dance their dance,
The surgeons that bring her here,
Push and pull, tug and turn, and the moment finally arrives…
Her warm, wet body whisked away, poked and prodded as she sees unfamiliar faces for the first time. Her head capped, her body tightly swaddled, and she, loudly protesting the indignation of it all.
I am now shaking from the adrenaline, high from the drugs, stressed out from the ordeal of it all, sweating, definitely sweating, the words I eek out “hello baby…you have to get her out of here, I’m going to throw up”
Tears of joy, tears of defeat, tears of loneliness, I ache for her already.
Time stops and each minute that passes an excruciating eternity, no longer in body, but tethered to me forever, when can I see my daughter?
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I love how you want to be respectful of other people’s experiences…I’d expect nothing less from you. This was so lovely to read. I hope you and aliza and hubby had the wonderfulest of days
We had a fun birthday indeed!
This was one of the most poetic, beautiful birth stories I’ve ever read. And one of the saddest.
I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to channel your inner birth goddess when you brought your daughter into the world. I had a very similar experience that shattered my visions of me in a flowing dress as an earth mother.
I should have known better. I’m much too short and round to pull off flowing dresses.
Happy birthday to your sweet, sweet daughter.
And happy mommiversary to you. Your daughter is and will forever be tethered to you.
Of course you managed to make me laugh out loud with your comment, short and round + flowing dresses= awesome!
Next time you and me in a muumuu, deal?
I’m truly sorry your birth experience diverged in reality from what you had hoped for. BUT. You brought a healthy baby girl into this world regardless so I’m pretty sure that makes you a goddess. That, and the way you write.
Happy birthday to your beautiful daughter!
Thank you for understanding. And yes the happy ending a year later is that we are all here and quite healthy! (tfu tfu tfu)
Happy Birthday to your gorgeous daughter and her beautiful parents. I love you.
Thank you darling! Can’t wait to have a couple more, now that I know how much fun life with three girls can be…
Not being able to see your baby immediately is crushing. So beautifully said
I was prepared for all of it, because I knew in advance I was have a c-section, but them not letting me see her for three hours (for no good reason) is something I will never forgive. Thank you for being here.
Again, another common starting point for our relationship.
Me, too…me, too.
My own stuff, won’t put it here, but me, too.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BEAUTIFUL BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I love you, Y, and can’t wait to link up arms in Madison and just be…
Thank you, we had a lovely birthday! And I can’t wait to paint Madison…red?pink?
Birth was a lot sweatier than I anticipated. And longer (42 hours). And more swollen (as evidenced by my face in the first pictures of me with my son). And I swore I was going to put makeup on, but I didn’t. It was also more exhausting than I thought it would be for some reason. After 15 hours or so, I got the epidural. I didn’t feel much of what was going on, but I remember saying, “Guys, I can’t watch the new episode of The Office. I’ve got to sleep. I don’t know why I’m so tired!” My doula said, “Umm, because you’re in labor? Not feeling it doesn’t mean your body’s not doing it.”
Oh. Right. Forgot. lol
Oh my that is too funny! You were going to put make up on? This had to have been your first…come to think of it I totally put make up on before hand! Silly us!
Happy birthday to beautiful Aliza.
It took me a year to talk about my first birth experience. I feel your pain.
Hugs to you, and you know you have my support for a different sort of experience next time. It did help heal me..
xo
And I thank you for your support, I know it can be different and I will do what I can to make it so! I’m so sorry that you know my pain, there should be less of us in that boat.
We have such expectations … but in the end, the gift, a baby.
My first, like yours ..
My second, a ‘gift’ from another.
But each, a beautiful baby, mine to raise.
I truly enjoyed your post, it took me back …
And I truly enjoyed your comment, “a beautiful baby, mine to raise” how right you are.
So beautiful. I, too, ended up having to have a C-section. It was not what I had hoped for. But in the end, all that mattered to me was that she was here and healthy. Thanks for sharing!
The silver lining in my story is that I knew it was going to be a c-section in advance so I had time to process and grieve the birth experience that I was losing. And thank you for your sweet comment!
You gave such beautiful words to something that was traumatic and not beautiful to you at the time.
I too, had a C-section. unplanned, emergency. mine was not as traumatic.
But holy happy birthday to your wee little girl! And happy becoming a momma day…even if it wasn’t as you expected–you still left that day a mother.
<3
I should probably offer more in the way of explanation, but mine wasn’t unplanned but it was so far from what I wanted that it was hard nevertheless. Sorry to hear that you can relate. And yes the happy ending is that I am most definitely a mother.
Wow, that was really powerful. I’m sorry that it didn’t go exactly as you’d hoped but I’m so glad that your baby and you were both well and healthy. Happy Birthday to both you and your sweet baby girl.
Thank you for the birthday wishes, and we are indeed blessed to be well and healthy!
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Beautiful, beautiful, poetic piece. I am so glad that you shared those moments and love that you cherish your daughter and her life that much more because of what you went through during her birth.
You were one of the people I thought of when deciding to hit publish, I know that the important thing is that she is here with me today, and I thank you for your lovely words.
oh you lovely lady, that was beautifully written. love to you and happy birthday to Aliza! that photo is gorgeous, by the by.
Thank you! We were lucky to find a photographer totally last minute, the photos she took are precious indeed.
Happiest of birthday wishes sweet Aliza!
Your gorgeous words move me, per usual. Honest. Effortless poetry. I’m sorry the experience was not “textbook,” I so can relate, but oh what beauty! And oh what a mama.
Thank you Ash, such sweet words from you melt my heart.
this was one of the best birth stories i have read. told positively beautifully
Thank you so much for reading it Alexandria.
Having had 2 c-sections, I totally understand but it doesn’t make what you did any less beautiful.
I hope she had the best birthday.
I’m bummed for sure, but I am blessed as well. And we had a lovely birthday, thank you!
Yeah, you got me. Such beautiful words, pulling me in…but it didn’t end up for you the way you’d envisioned. And I have a feeling that, in most cases, it doesn’t. Medical interventions, rushed doctors and nurses, sterile environments. And sometimes it’s hard for people to mesh their experience with their expectations.
But damn, you are SUCH an awesome mother! And I have had the pleasure of seeing you two in the flesh and grabbing those chubby cheeks of Aliza’s….and it’s all good now. But still, your words are powerful and maybe you’ve given words to some women out there who can’t find them.
Happy, happy birthday little one!
Thank you Sherri, I think there’s a lot more work to be done to help more women’s visions become reality, for some I think the best place to achieve them would definitely be at home. For me, it wasn’t and at least I knew what I was getting into with my birth in advance…another blog post to come I suppose.
And thank you for your reassurances that I am a good mom, we all need them from time to time.
If I create the most perfect dough, top with it with the finest toppings and pour all of my being into making it the best pizza ever…does it matter how I pull it out of the oven for everyone to enjoy?
Strange analogy I know, but we all have our ideal experience etched in our mind of all momentous occasions. What we will say, what we will wear, how we will react…our graduation, our wedding, a birth…although when it has happened and when the moment has passed, does it matter really if we hit those expectations or can we look at each moment that comes next to celebrate? Are you any less married…is your beautiful daughter any less yours? Is this next moment anymore perfect?
Beautifully written and as a mother who has birthed 3 daughters not according to what I had planned…I can empathize.
First, the photo that begins it all is a total stunner.
And the story you tell is every bit as beautiful. I’m sorry it wasn’t as you envisioned but you’re still a birthing Goddess.
Congratulations on the first birthday!
This is beautiful. How creative and true to life to write our hope for the birth process and then what happens.
Your words are effortless.
My daughter will be one in April.
The anxiety is building.
oh sweet and sour sighs. Yes, my memory of my daughter’s birth was the miserable shaking, the tight and tortured muscles in my shoulders and back that were a reaction to the anesthetic. I didn’t have a preconceived vision of a beautiful birth but I also didn’t foresee a c-section either.
Another sad reality: we had named our daughter months in advance, not completely satisfied and even pondering other names as I walked up and down the halls of the hospital waiting for our time. Shortly after announcing her name, a nurse came to take a stamp of her feet, with the name we hadn’t considered but knew the moment we heard it. Sadly, we felt it was too late to change.
But you my friend, you told this so beautifully and your love and adoration of your gorgeous daughter could not be more evident. Thank you for sharing your sweet words.
This made me cry, thanks. My birth moments were lot like this too. I hoped and planned and waited, and then found myself powerless in the hands of surgeons and anaesthesiologists, and had to wait hours to see my babies.
But, they are just as much mine now as if I’d birthed them!
What a beautiful way to tell the story. I didn’t have the experience I wanted either – I went from imagining an experience similar to what you first described to a scheduled c-section. Not a single contraction.
And while I understand that’s not the whole story, it’s a big part of it. And an important part. And something that the one playing the role of dad can’t really understand.
But we do.
Beautiful, Y. Brought me to tears. You and your daughter are a blessing.
The word that comes to mind while I read this?
Honest.
Yes, it was beautiful. The hope. The disillusionment.
But first, oh, so honest.
I was overwhelmed at my children’s births. I did not feel what I thought I should.
But the love. Oh, the love.
Happy birthday.
Happy Birthday to your sweet baby girl! Your post is beautiful. I too had a very scary birth experience with Sadie. It is overwhelming…but that love outweighs everything!!
I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to have the experience you had hoped for. That had to be nerve-wracking to say the least.
On a lighter note, I adore that you used the phrase “birthing goddess.”
You brought your beautiful girl into the world.
You parent her with joy and presence.
It matters not at all how her transition happened.
I only wish it were not something that made you sad.
A beautiful birth story, even if it did not go as planned. It is still a miracle every time, no matter how it happens. I like the analogy by the Crayon Wrangler, I think she makes a great point.
Happy birthday to your little Aliza, health and happiness to you all!
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful honest birth story! I’m sorry it wasn’t all you’d planned. If you couldn’t be a birthing goddess, I’m sure you make up for it by being a mothering goddess! Happy belated birthday to your beautiful daughter!
Oh honey! This was GORGEOUS! What a beautiful, poetic, *respectful* window to your soul. Thank you so very much for sharing it. And, of course, happy birthday to your weet girl!
What a beautiful story, so exquisitely told!! You are such an incredible writer. I also did not have the birth experience I’d hoped for. I totally thought I was going to give birth naturally to smoking incense and Enya, but in fact I had morphine hazed c-sections. Both times. But honestly, even though I wish I could have experienced natural birth, I am just so happy to have my sons. And I can see how much you love your beautiful Aliza. Did you know that is also my sister’s name????? Such an uncommon and beautiful name too! Happy birthday to your sweet Aliza! Thanks for sharing your amazing birth journey with us. It is beautiful and so are you.
First things first: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE A! So much accomplished and so much to do. I hope she had a big ole slice of cake.
As for birthing, I am insanely jealous of those who had the natural experience. But at the end of the day, your baby is here – safe and surrounded by love. I hope you don’t look back on it with defeat. You are tremendously powerful – a birthing goddess!
Same here. But I was totally out. Didn’t know whether I had a girl or boy until after waking in recovery. That was 28 years ago.
Happy belated birthday to your baby girl!
Beatiful – both your words and the picture!
Oh, happy birthday to you both. Gorgeous photo. What an emotional roller coaster. It keeps getting better and better. I swear.
Beautiful photo. God I love tiny newborn ears.
Happy birthday to your sweet girl and congrats to YOU and Hubs for surviving and thriving during her first year.
[...] last but not least, the post Birth Day by She Suggests was very poignant. It’s about expectations and reality and really just speaks [...]
[...] I’m a mom, and as per standard blogging operating rules I spend my fair share of words writing about poop and other perils of parenting. [...]
I’m so sorry. I know the feeling, the disappointment. And also the incredible love and elation. I don’t think any other day can possibly compare in terms of the variety and depth of emotions.
I’m not going to tell you that we both know what’s important, although we do. Instead, I’m going to say that I’m sorry neither day turned out as we hoped. But I’m happy for us for all the days since.
“I’m happy for us all the days since” is a beautiful way to think about it, thank you.