I’m at it again!
No, not boozing. I’m linking up to the Red Dress Club this week.
The prompt this week is to write a piece of flash fiction (or non-fiction) and the requirement for this particular one is a character MUST tell a joke and a character MUST cry.
Now let’s all remember that I’m brand new at this and I would love feedback. The critiquing kind of feedback. (Post has been modified to reflect feedback already! Thank you!) Okay here goes…
~
We just got shuffled up again.
See you have to put your name in a hat and Mrs.Fields pulls out four names at a time. That’s who you have to sit with for three weeks. It’s supposed to be so it’s fair, cause then nobody gets to pick who they sit with, you’re just stuck with who you get.
“If you remember from yesterday, the inside of the Earth is layered.”
The morning went real good. I lent Jessica a pencil cause hers broke. And Ashley, well Ashley didn’t talk to me but she only rolled her eyes once.
“The layers are the inner core, outer core…”
I bet if I keep this up maybe I can even sit at lunch with them.
“…mantle and upper mantle…”
It’s too hot in here and my sweater itches me, but I won’t scratch. Cause scratching is a sure fire way to get them all to start calling me cootie girl, like they did all of last year.
“…and crust”
Ashley is whispering something to Jessica.
“Look at the diagram in front of you,”
Jessica smiles at me.
“label each layer and color it in.”
This is it! Ten minutes to lunch time, she’ll ask me for sure.
“Hey you know what crust means?” Ashley asks me and glances at Jessica all conspiratorial-like.
I shrug my shoulders and grin at them stupidly. Duh! It’s the last layer, Mrs.Fields just said that! Sometimes I don’t know how Jessica even got into the smart class.
“It’s what happens to your butt when you don’t wipe it!”
At first they snicker and giggle, then they crescendo into full on laughter.
I don’t dare look at them, just silently stare at my diagram. I’ve decided to color the mantle red. It’s not even funny. I think to myself.
“Crusty butt! Crusty butt!”
I dig my nails into my palm and bite my lip.
Color, color, color.
I turn away as the tears hit the paper.
Oh, no!
My inner core is all splotchy.
No related posts.
Oh I like how you wrote from the little girls perspective! I love doing that, but it’s Not easy to pull it off convincingly. Nicely done!
It’s easier to pull off if you only attempt 200 words…maybe next time I’ll actually get closer to 600…thanks for stopping by!
This was really well done. You captured those school age feelings of wanting to be accepted. And that joke was typical of the the age as well.
Always that group in every class.
Visiting from RDC
When you’re on the outside it seems like everyone is in that group in class…
Thanks for visiting!
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I love this so much! It could be straight out of a young adults fiction book. I got really into the story and I really felt for her, how hopeful she was only to have her feelings crushed. Love it.
Thank you Lydia!
Brilliant. This story feels so real.
Writing kids is hard. You did a great job.
The line, “My inner core is all splotchy.” so powerful on multiple levels. I have felt that way before.
Oh I’m glad you got the last line
I think I still feel that way…
1) I’m so happy you linked up because…
2) This is brilliant.
I love the way you told it from a little girl’s perspective. And I so sympathize with her! And that last line? Perfect. I just wanted to give her a hug.
I had to force myself to do it, this whole “writing” thing is still so new to me that it’s mighty frightening to put myself out there like that..luckily all of yous are so sweet that it makes it easier…
Aww. I feel so bad for her.
I’m new too, so I can’t give any advice. It seemed great to me. =)
Yay for us for getting out of our comfort zone!
Very, very nice.
The dialogue was/is perfect.
The feelings so clear.
You pulled me into the story, and I really liked this.
You could be a YA fiction writer.
My first (un-penned) novel is already dedicated to you
I’ve tried to write kids and have failed. You nailed it. You capture the meanness, the hope, and the desire and disappointment.
That last line is perfect on so many levels. Sometimes, my inner core is splotchy too.
Thanks for a great read.
Oh I read you, I don’t believe that you could fail at anything.
Thank you for the feedback, I’m glad that last line is making sense the way I hoped it would.
Nicely done.
I hope the triplets never gang up on each other this way
I feel terrible for that little girl. Great job putting the reader right in the story. I felt my nails digging in to my flesh when hers did
Thank you! This is isn’t linked to your blog….are you stopping by from The Red Dress Club?
Yes I was
Http://multitaskingmumma.weebly.com
Great job!
This is outstanding. I feel like I’m in junior high all over again. Your writing reminds me of the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson.
Ooh a book suggestion, I better read that! And thank you! Shoot this is supposed to be a little younger than junior high…like fourth grade? I better work harder on those details next time.
Oh no! Please don’t change a thing! I only said junior high because that is the age I taught, so that’s what I was imagining. What’s important is that you created a scene that kids can enter into and stand in another character’s shoes for awhile. I found that in my teaching, reading a story to children and discussing it is much more effective then saying, “Don’t bully because it’s bad.”
Really great post. It’s stuck with me all morning.
Wonderfully done.
My only critique, dear one, is that the obscenity pulled me out of the younger child voice.
But “my inner core is all splotchy” is brilliant.
Yes! Thank you, I questioned that, and wanted to say “Shit. I’m not supposed to say Shit.” Or is it better to leave it out all together? This is fourth grade so presumably she knows her fair share of colorful words…
I. Love. It! You captured, what is it, fourth? fifth grade? PERFECTLY.
You got it fourth grade. Are your kiddos at that age yet? My cousin is in fourth and it me makes cringe thinking about all the drama…
A huge thumbs up on this! Have you read the novel Room? You’ve done a similar thing hear by capturing the youth and innocence of a little girl. I feel so bad for her. Nicely done!
Oh. So real. So very realistic. Great writing!
I’m currently reading Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, and your story reminds me of it in the best possible way; it evokes that time of the nonsensical social order and cues, and the huge emotions bubbling beneath the surface. And it reminds me of how we still deal with the remnants of those times in our everyday adult lives – whether it be in office politics or interacting with mean-spirited drivers on the road. IMHO, I think you did a great job here.
I was feeling the Jr High Feeling, too, but not because of the word sh!t, more so because I think that’s when I felt people being mean in this certain way. I don’t know. Fourth grade I probably would leave the word out. Because if it’s a 4th grader then 4th graders would be reading it, and most parents would be thinking SH!T, if you had the word in there.
In my humble opinion.
I loved it. I really thought it was fantastic writing and I could totally feel the character.
Love this read, especially the dialect. Poor kid.
It’s so painful how much she is aware of what is going on, and yet how much hope she maintains that this time it will be different, which lent great meaning to the last line.
You have such a talent for taking on another voice. You did it beautifully on your guest post at Marinka’s and you do a lovely job of it here too.
You transport me when you write that way. So lovely.
The only part that made me stop for a minute was when you swore. It seemed out of character.
Amazing job…I’m so happy that you joined us!
I love this. Well done. I love that that it’s told from a little girl’s perspective and how you wove in the joke and the tears. Really nice job.
I didn’t even attempt this prompt this week.
Wow, this is awesome! Was it hard to write, because it seemed to flow so easily.
You got into the kid character well, and it hurt when they were mean to her.
They would NOT be invited to our sleepover.
Great job! You should do these every week this year (no pressure!).
I thought you did a great job. It was very easy for me to identify with that girl. Keep up the good writing!
Great job with the voice! I would never even attempt to write from a child’s perspective. It just intimidates me. You also captured perfectly how cruel kids can be. And how she was hoping things would be different this time. This was great!
You really nailed the little girl’s perspective (other than the swear) and the meanness of that age.
Splotchy? Brilliant!
Great job! I love how you did it from the girl’s point of view!
I will second whoever said that the curse word pulls me away from the age she should be a little bit. Otherwise, perfect.
I’m so glad you linked up!
Here from Red Dress Club and Twitter!
One, I commend you for trying this again. I too was nervous about writing this week.
Two, quite creative to write from a child’s voice….and you nailed it. (BTW, I’ve heard 4th graders use 4 letter words…though it just didn’t seem in character with THIS girl.)
Kudos my friend. I look forward to your future efforts!
This is unbelievable well done. You captured that nasty girl-ness of grade school and the awful feeling of being on the other side of it perfectly. Amazing piece.
Damn, that splotchy inner core.
Trying to not laugh totally makes things 100 times funnier.
I love it.
This was expertly done and a really fun read. You have a talent.
Thanks for visiting my rdc post last week. And PS your blog is fantastic. No follow button?
Uh oh what’s a follow button? Help please!
A follow button allows readers to “follow you” through google friend connect. You can see mine on the right hand column of my blog. Once you start reading loads of blogs it is pretty handy to help keep track of everyone. I would love to follow your blog.
http://www.google.com/friendconnect/
Ugh. This breaks my heart and takes me back, which means it’s excellent.
Her voice is so fantastic. You really do have a handle on getting into the character. Looking forward to what you bring for this Friday!! (no pressure