I know you have all probably had your fill of celebrity break ups recently, Cortney Cox and David Arquette, Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus, and of course Marinka and Husbandrinka, but I had to share my own marital troubles with you as well:
(This morning’s conversation with my life partner, Stan the Man)
Me: Darling* how was your dentist appointment yesterday? He had four fillings done!
Man: So pleasant!
Me: Assuming I’ve missed his extra-subtle attempt at sarcasm. But the shots, what about the shots?
Man: That needle is gigantic! And once the needle went in, Doctor D had to tweak it a few times. Does a “turning the crank” sort of motion with his arm.
Me: Having had a root canal just last month, I am visibly shaking from hearing this as I re-live painful flashbacks of the four and a half shots Dr.D had to crank into me.
(Yes I realize how dirty that sounds.)
Me: Gah! That sounds terrible!
Man: Terrible? It’s like a gentle massage for your gums.
Me: Stunned silence.
(Yes I realize how rarely that happens.)
Man: It’s almost as nice as the thing they use to scrape your gums when they clean your teeth. I wish I could have that done every week.
Me: They have to NUMB me for teeth cleaning.
And so ladies and gentlemen it is with a sad heart that I have to tell you I am contemplating divorce on the grounds that I am married to an android.
*if you called bullshit on this one you would be right.